Enact RRP: The Raccoon Relocation Project

Does this scenario sound familiar? You're enjoying a leisurely stroll on a fine spring day in Pawnee, only to return to your house and find it overrun by raccoons. They're in your yard, in your hot tub, in your home, eating your emergency candy supply. These raccoons are a problem and it seems like everyone else just wants to give up, wave the white flag, and let them win. But Leslie Knope says NO! Elect me to City Council, and I'll enact the all-too-necessary Raccoon Relocation Project (RRP).

Pawnee has more raccoons per capita than any other mid-size city in the world. Scientists have discovered a harmless method to get the raccoons to gather in a specific location. It has something to do with sound waves and magnetism. Quite frankly, I don't understand it, but it doesn't harm the animals. As much as they might deserve it.

I'm the only candidate who will get this done. I have a history with raccoons - and I have the scars to prove it. The RRP is what's best for us, and best for them, and what's best best is that it will create jobs. And what's best best best is that the RRP architects have guaranteed that many of the raccoons will end up in Eagleton, where they can live long happy lives eating the elite.